2008 Oscar Predictions!
By George 'El Guapo' Roush on February 21, 2008
It’s that time of year again! Time when Hollywood ignores how selfish it’s been all year and decides to give back to the community by clogging up Hollywood and Highland Ave. for an entire week while they get to sucking off every single actor, writer, producer and director in LaLaLand. How do they accomplish this? By giving them awards! Golden beautiful statue awards! Did you get an award when you put together the interior of a Ford Focus on the assembly line? No? Did you get an award in the emergency room when you operated on and saved that young man’s life? You didn’t? You guys are all losers!!! You should be actors pretending to do meaningful work! Then you’ll get golden statues, strangers will froth at the mouth just to lick your forearm sweat and photographers will do anything to catch you drinking coffee at Starbucks.
Since you’re an ordinary Joe like me, you probably have an ordinary Oscar office pool right? Well make sure you double check your predictions my friend because El Guapo is here once again to give you the scoop on whose walking away a winner and whose walking away like a little Eddie Murphy crybaby bitch.
I think I’m now 1,231 – 0 in Oscar picks. How will I do this year? Even if I’m wrong I’m always right so it doesn’t matter. If I haven’t seen the movie/actor/actress performance I will state so next to their nomination. I’m not doing every category because my typing skills can only be pushed so far. Here we go monkeys!!
Writing – Original Screenplay
Juno: I never got around to seeing it. Somehow it seems like the movie you’re supposed to see because most people say it’s good and funny, but most people have shit for brains.
Lars and the Real Girl: Huh? What and the what? What is this porn stuff?
Michael Clayton: Uh-oh! This was one of my favorites from last year. The old Cloonger looks like he’s gonna be gettin’ tons of fresh virgin tang come Oscar night!
Ratatouille: Ah. My favorite film of last year. Such a wonderful complete movie minus the blood, guts and sex most films require to be wonderful and complete.
The Savages: Cracka please.
Prediction: Juno
Because I have a feeling this night will be filled with disappointments, so why not start early.
Documentary – Feature
No End in Sight: Gee. An Iraq documentary. How fucking original.
Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience: Gee. Another Iraq documentary. How fucking original.
Sicko: I’m not a fan of Michael Moore and I know this film was heavily edited to make our health care system look like shit, but you know what? It really is shit.
Taxi to the Dark Side: About an Afghan taxi driver beaten to death. Wow. Nobody cares about taxis.
War/Dance: Toilet/Flush.
Prediction: No End in Sight
Where was King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters? Did any of you jerky Oscar wankers even see it? I hate the Oscars.
Animated Feature Film
Persepolis: I’m sorry, I hear it’s good and all but nobody watched this stupid thing. Yes. A cartoon about Iran and a little girl. Bring the young ones and your .357 magnum.
Ratatouille: Because the idiots at the Oscars were too afraid to put this in the Best Movie category it has to sit here amongst the other two crap cartoons. It’s like finding your Rolex watch in a pile of dog shit.
Surf’s Up: If I had a lot of paper in front of me, I’d be throwing it up in the air right now and shaking my head. Wait...here’s some printer paper...
Prediction: Ratatouille
This really was the best film of last year. It was the most complete in terms of dialogue, plot, pacing, approachability and it was completely Owen Wilson free. Good for you Pixar, you deserve it. And if you don’t win then Christians can no longer brag about there being a God.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Cate Blanchett/I’m Not There: A giant rat from the Philippines could play Bob Dylan. What a stupid nomination. And fuck Bob Dylan now that I think about it.
Ruby Dee/American Gangster: Why should she win? Because she got all up in Denzel’s face playing his momma? Pour my syrup bitch and get back in the kitchen.
Saoirse Ronan/Atonement: Ya, nobody is going to want to try and say that first name on stage during a live telecast. Next time choose an easier name to pronounce you dumb hippie parents.
Amy Ryan/Gone Baby Gone: A substance abusing single mother? Let’s award it!
Tilda Swinton/Michael Clayton: No good conniving skank! And you’re ugly! Man, you were good in that movie! And ugly too!
Prediction: Tilda Swinton/Michael Clayton
Her name reads like it’s a bottle of dry Vermouth. Give it to her already!
Actor in a Supporting Role
Casey Affleck/Assassination of Jesse James: You’re kidding me right? Did anyone actually see this movie? He sucked eggs.
Javier Bardem/No Country for Old Men: Man, he was pretty damn good in this! Gonna be a tough one!
Philip Seymour Hoffman/Charlie Wilson’s War: You got yours. Sit down and quit begging for seconds.
Hal Holbrook/Into the Wild: No wonder my cough won’t go away. I keep laughing too hard when I see nominations like this.
Tom Wilkinson/Michael Clayton: Tom was pretty awesome in this movie. Nail biting suspense! Who will win???
Prediction: Javier Bardem/No Country for Old Men
It’s a toss up between Javier and Tom. I think Javier manages to give a slightly more memorable performance though and he deserves it.
Actress in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett/Elizabeth: No, maybe her costumes should win but not her. Ok, so the costumes are up for an Oscar. There you go.
Julie Christie/Away From Her: Seriously, did anyone see this movie? I never even heard of it and I review films for a living. Screw you Julie.
Marion Cotillard/La Vie En Rose: What is going on here? What are these movies? Should I stop going into the adult section at my local video store?
Laura Linney/The Savages: Oh my God, I’m about to give up. Who’s next?
Ellen Page/Juno: I just want my death to be a quick one. Messy, but quick.
Prediction: Ellen Page/Juno
Only because I want to hear Brett Ratner say if it wasn’t for him casting her in X-Men 3, she’d still be cleaning the bottom of his pool with a toothbrush. While it’s filled with Ratner puke from all of his douche parties.
Actor in a Leading Role
George Clooney/Michael Clayton: You were pretty good in this one Georgie boy. I gotta say you’re my favorite so far.
Daniel Day-Lewis/There Will be Blood: I’m sorry, George who?
Johnny Depp/Sweeney Todd: I like Johnny Depp and all, but he does not deserve this nomination.
Tommy Lee Jones/In the Valley of Elah: What has more lines, the entire script of Lord of the Rings or Tommy Lee Jones’ face?
Viggo Mortensen/Eastern Promises: Viggo, you were excellent in this movie. You spoke Russian and even acted in a nasty fight scene while showing the world your frank and beans. Good job sir.
Prediction: Daniel Day-Lewis/There Will be Blood
Daniel Day-Lewis has more talent in his little finger than the entire roster of those cry baby bitches, the New England Patriots. BURN BABY BURN!
Directing
Julian Schnabel/The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: Never saw it. You lose.
Jason Reitman/Juno: Your Dad directed Ghostbusters. You will never have his legacy. Never.
Tony Gilroy/Michael Clayton: No, I don’t really think he’ll win. The actors and script are what made this movie, not the director.
The Coen Brothers/No Country For Old Men: Ya, these guys did a really, really good job with this one.
Paul Thomas Anderson/There Will Be Blood: You outdid yourself this time. If you lose, expect to never be nominated again. Nobody likes a loser.
Prediction: The Coen Brothers/No Country For Old Men
My instinct is to go with PTA, but The Coen’s really did do a fantastic job with this film. And they’re brothers so they can always fight like stupid faggots on set and everyone around them can whisper “They’re just having creative differences because they’re so creative and smart and artistic and creative.”
Best Picture
Atonement: Atonement? Really? For best picture? I spit at thee.
Juno: Fuck Juno.
Michael Clayton: Good movie! Started slow but ended with a bang. Like when I’m doing your sister! OH! SNAP!
No Country for Old Men: People hated the ending because they didn’t understand it. These are the same people who liked Transformers.
There Will be Blood: Great, great movie. Movie of the year though? Eh...
Prediction: Michael Clayton
It had serious competition from No Country and Blood, but I think Michael Clayton has the makings of a classic film. This is the hardest one to call because it could go to any one of the three great movies being nominated. Juno and Atonement can maybe go to the valet and get the winner’s car or something.
So how will I do? I know I picked the right ones. And if I didn’t, I’m going to tell you next year that I did anyway because you won’t remember this article. Looks like I’m the big winner round these parts!
E-mail george@latinoreview.com and I’ll tell you where Adrien Brody keeps his Oscar. See? Now you know why he walks funny!
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